Animation Nation Contest

Happiness is only a Cover

I was surprised when people asked me why I was so happy. First I asked them what was wrong with being happy…then I asked myself how I managed to look so happy when all I wanted to do was break down. Every morning in school I’m the one that says ‘good morning’ to people and peps them on. I’m also the one that gets yelled at for not constantly saying they are wonderful, their ideas are wonderful, and they are flawless.

I know they’re teens, just like me. But they should know by now that they don’t have to do everything on their own and make it perfect the first time. They have no problems with asking grown ups for help, but as soon as someone else their age makes a suggestion…get outta their way! Cuz that kid must just be a snotty stupid…Thing. Thing.

They call me thing sometimes. I told them to stop it, but they think it is a joke. At least I’m not their whore, or bitch, or something. But the words still hurt. Even if it wasn’t said in spite, I don’t want to be their thing. I’m a girl. A young woman. Over the summer, I finally managed to look in the mirror and say ‘wow. I have some pretty features.’ I do. I love my eyes. I’m not all ugly. I’m not all thing.

When we’re holding a conversation, when they’re laughing and happy, that’s when I feel human. That’s when I feel like a part of life. Then they turn angry for who knows what reason, or put on a sour face because it’s ‘just another school day’ and I wonder how they can be so negative. It’s no fun being negative by choice. They choose to be unhappy.

I don’t. When I am unhappy…there is nothing I can do to escape it. I don’t choose to be unhappy, not like they do. It just happens. I think it’s just my crazy teen hormones running rampant, but I am seventeen. That should have happened years ago…of course, years ago I was more or less an emotionless rock, so maybe that’s all catching up to me now.

When they are happy, I envy them. They can go from being ‘unhappy’ or ‘miserable’ to laughing and enjoying themselves at the telling of a joke…I can smile, sure. But deep down, it doesn’t go away. It just catches up with me later.

I am alone. I smile and say hello and look like I have a purpose, but at night when they’ve all gone out together to see a movie, I am here, in my room. Listening to laughter even just outside my own door, in a world I’m not welcome to.

Don’t even get me wrong. I love life. I refuse to give it up without a fight. But just loving life isn’t enough to stay happy. Every night when I curl up and go to bed, I dream of a future…any future. College life in a dorm, with a roommate to gossip with, or life alone in an apartment. When I’m all alone in this house it’s not as bad as when I’m alone in this room…shut away like an embarrassment on her home. I think…The sooner I get away from here, the sooner I may find happiness. A happiness that’s strong enough to actually become a part of me.

Until then…this smile is just a mask, even if it’s a natural one.

Knockoffs

Really, think about it.

*applauds this guy.*

Next Post

Edward and Alphonse – Arms Wide Open

Something about these two always amazed me, and now I think I know what it is. Even though so much bad stuff happened to them, they greeted their punishment with ‘arms wide open.’ Now I know this song is supposed to be about a newborn baby, but…well, I hope I conveyed MY theme well enough. Ed hopes that Al doesn’t turn out like him (being the loving, protective older brother he is) and they both openly accept their fate for what they’ve done.

On Journals

Today I discovered, tucked away in the back corner of a drawer I was emptying, a very old journal. Well, not VERY I suppose, but certainly old. It accounts a Girl Scout trip I took the summer before seventh grade, along with my 8th grade almost-battle with anorexia. Of course I don’t think I ever got to full blown anorexia, just to the point where I feared foods and only ate 900 calories on most days. Thankfully I became allergic to the foods I was eating and had to branch out. I promise I’m much healthier now, and living the way I have I’ve actually lost some of the weight I was trying to lose back then. Now I say some because I still have a ways to go…Until my jiggly arms are nice and tough and until I can look good as  ‘Rose’ (from FMA) at CollosalCon this June.

 

I’m not even concered about prom. I love my dress and I know what I’m gonna do with my hair and that’s enough for me.

 

But I’m not here to talk about that. I’m here to account my journal.

 

There’s a notebook under my bed that has several nightmares and dreams I’d had over the last few years, along with a decently detailed account of the ups and downs of Freshman year of high school. But that too became lost in the oblivion of time. I’ve never been able to openly write about myself because I was always afraid that someone would find and read it and discover that I wasn’t the ‘perfect child’ my family had tried to set me up as. So I played along, even at home. And for the last several years I have expressed my true self only through stories.

 

That is, until I became Cam Flynn on a few message boards. And there, amoung people that didn’t know me, I was also free. But again! This is not about that. This is my account on journals.

 

That journal from seventh and eigth grade is actually a little special, even if I did rip out and throw away the old childhood papers (because I know that even then I was hiding myself). It is a journal from the little line of “I Hope You Dance’ paraphernalia. The song is, of course, written in the front and then there is a page of encouraging words, and two others like that in the middle of the journal. It’s a sweet little thing, and now I do believe it shall serve it’s purpose.

 

I am writing in it specifically to tell some people that live very close to me but haven’t a clue about me all about myself and my emotions and why I disagree with them so. I am writing it with the intention of leaving it behind when I move out. And yes, I still do intend to move out as soon as I am eighteen. I have found a place where I can keep my cats with me, if only for the summer. I will figure something out for the school year, for college, but I’m going to take this one step at a time.

 

All I know is that I cannot leave them here. I don’t feel safe here and I wouldn’t feel safe leaving the only two critters in this house that truly love me and truly understand me (and come to my aid when I really just need a hug, especially with all the stress these days) behind. They got rid of one of my trio and brought in one of their own. I’ll give her that she’s a sweet cat, but she doesn’t replace my chubby lovely. There was something about him that was just so…well, as you’ve probably guessed I am one of those pet owners that gets to loving their pets as though they were human additions to the family.

 

But back to the journal (I’m just so side-tracked tonight…er, this morning, aren’t I?).

 

I think I’ll give every entry a quote and a title. The first entry (which I made through tears while wearing a joker’s hat, not that you needed to know that) has a quote of my own design that only I will understand: “This is just like that hike so many years ago…and I’m only starting on my way to the tree.” I may explain that later, I may not. But just in case either of them stalks this blog, I shall not explain it here. The entry is entitled “On Leaving,” because it explains why I feel I must leave as soon as possible.

 

It’s pretty intense…not like the wild, angry rants that get posted here (which are written directly in my moment of pure anger), but it’ll be after I have calmed down and forced myself to relax and think. It will also be from the writer that lies dorment in my heart and soul right now, trying to break free but being so tied down by invisible forces (forces that have made me decide not to try to force out a novel before I graduate high school like I had once hoped to do). I will continue to explore and develop my skills through fanfictions and, now, through this journal, and perhaps some day soon my second biggest dream will be realized. To see ‘Cam Flynn’ written across the bottom of the cover of a decently popular book, with people telling me what they think…with people listening to me for once.

 

 

Love Always,

Miss Cami

Ellie!

Eleanor – Don’t you Know You’re Beautiful

A song from Ellie to her sisters and Miss Miller.

Vic-Sama!

Vic’s Jar of Dirt

What sane person doesn’t absolutly admire Vic? Honestly? He is possible the most amazing person alive these days.

THE GAUL!

That….that…that STRANGER has the gaul, the audacity…the nerve to tell me what to do? That man….oh, he’ll pay. Someday. They’ll BOTH pay.

Sometimes doors slam. It’s normal, especially when you shut it with your feet because you’re in a hurry to turn around and do something else.

So what does that jack do? He tells me he’s taking my door! Well…if that stranger takes my door, I’ll take theirs. It’s as simple as that. I’ll take theirs and put it up in place of mine. That stupid freak shouldn’t even be here.

He is such a horrid person. My mother…my good role model of a mother…she’s changed for the worse since meeting him. I used to be able to stand her. I used to be able to agree with her. Now I want nothing more than to get far away from her.

Or maybe his coming here has opened my eyes? Perhaps…perhaps I was always just happily blind to her stupidity, her disgusting lack of love for her children, and all her other flaws.

Well, I will be starting a new job soon…soon as the place opens up. I’m saving up, but I don’t know if I’ll make enough. See, if I don’t get enough to go to college, I’ll be stuck in an apartment here in this god-forsaken town the rest of my life. That’s why I’m afraid to move out the day I turn 18 (1 year, 8 days!).

But then every day they give me new reason to hate them. New reason to leave.

So I’ll just work my butt off. All I spend money on (unless that witch decides to use my card to buy nessecities, like FOOD!) is gas and my car payment. The clothes I have now will suffice until the end of senior year, and I don’t want any new dresses or shoes.

I suppose I can go without eating more often than not, if that’s what it takes. I just want to find someone who’ll move out of their home with me. That way apartment rent will be split and half as much. Then I’ll be able to save more for college.

I have 10 colleges on my list right now, all costing over $30,000 a year. Scholarships should get me down to about 20,000, but I don’t think I’ll even be able to pull that much from anywhere.

My aunt and uncle will donate to me…at least, I hope they will. They gave my brother money, and he certainly didn’t deserve it. My grandma will give me some, and no doubt others will too. But all in all, all my brother got in the end was $1,000. That is barely enough to live for a month (if you are CRAZY frugal).

So maybe I’ll speand a lot of time in my car. No shame in that. I can take showers at the rec center, eat peanuts and drink vitamin water until I go off to college.

Fat chance.

Still…If I don’t spend anything, I suppose I may be able to save up enough to start life alone. Right now the school in North Carolina looks the most amazing, but the one in Pennsylvania is the cheapest. All I know is I’m not staying here.

I plan on giving a farewell speech too. Something along the lines of “I hope you can be happy now that the two biggest mistakes you’ve ever made have moved out. And even if the other one comes back to haunt you, this one never will because from this day foreward, I am an orphan!”

I plan on living as though I had no mother. Not that I ever did. SHE was never there for me when I needed someone when I was crying. She was usually the reason I was crying. I know I’m not abused (although that looks as though it may change…I won’t put anything past this alcoholic boyfriend of hers), but I…well, it’s more emotional I suppose.

I do have to thank him for one thing though. Since he came, I have no fear of displeasing her. I have no fear of my family seeing just how imperfect I am. Sure, I’m not the typical teen (which is how HE treats me, like I’m some bratty whore or something…which I’m not…I’m a very mature, sensible girl, and he seems to think I’m stupid), but that doesn’t mean I wanna be the god-sent blessing child!

So this is it, I suppose. Farewell to them…

Oh, how many more times will I say it before I leave? A million, ten million? Does it even matter? Soon I will be free!

The question is: can I survive another year with this?

Cam Flynn

Some More Photography

Looking back, I haven’t been taking as many pictures as I thought I had. At least, not very many good ones. But I suppose I can honestly say that the winter I saw this year wasn’t very photogenic. It just didn’t look good on camera…Oh well. Here’s some good shots I got since the last time I shared my photos here.

The last remnants of autumn.

A street in full autumn bloom.

The only snow that fell here last winter.A neat angle of the last project I finished in art class (the project won a prize an art show!).

Then the next three will be some pictures I took during our school musical three weeks ago:

The shot of one of our pianists music books. And his cell phone.The backside of the guy that played our king.My favorite picture of all the pictures I took of the show. It's Sir Harry and Lady Larken during the song 'Yesterday I Loved You.'

Remember When (set)

For those that know the song ‘Remember When,’ this batch of pictures was dedicated to that song. I was actually thinking about drawing animations for it, just to see if I could draw enough to maybe even make it look like it was moving (although I doubt that…it would have ended up like those screen-to-screen drawings of parts of songs that were cut from movies). Of course that just ended up boring me after a while, but I did finish a few pictures. Here’s the ones I just drew:

 

Just click on the pictures for a closer view, and if the quality is bad check out my dA account (today it’s been skewing up some of my pictures for some reson…).

Now…here’s the more exciting part. The two I colored (I included the sketches of them above though).

This is the backflip one colored. I mostly just colored it because I wanted to give people an idea of the skin-to-fin colorings because I didn’t give her a definite change-line like they did in The Little Mermaid (I loved Arial too, mind you, I just think this way look more elegant on my paper…especially since I make those lines look horribly tacky).

 

And here is the mermaid-girl laying on the beach.  This one deserves a little more explanation.

See, the theme was that it was a real-life girl that fell asleep and dreamed she was a cartoon, then as a cartoon she went on several different adventures through the course of the song. She was a pirate, a princess, a mermaid, a female-chipmunk-like version of Peter Pan, ect. So it was supposed to END with the mermaid sequence, and we end up where we started. With a girl that fell asleep on the beach.